Talking to children about the birds and the bees can be awkward and many parents choose to ignore the subject altogether.
Drug and Sex Education --- Image by © George Logan/Corbis
Even sex education teachers tend to talk about the subject matter-of-factly, focusing on scientific knowledge rather than the things that are applicable in real life, like relationships, the emotional complications that come with sex and birth control. This is chiefly because they believe that teenagers are supposed to be students and not human beings with sexual needs.
Sex education does not only mean physical changes and sexual intercourse, but also extends to sexual diversity, respect and equality for all genders, along with other aspects. Dr Pansak Sugraroek, gynaecologist and renowned relationship expert, talked on the "embarrassing" issue at a recent session at an International Parenting Network (IPN), titled "How To Talk To Your Children About Sex".
"It is better to talk to your children about sexuality from when they are young. Sex education does not only mean sexual intercourse. They should know that women and men are different," he said. Dr Pansak believes that when children are caught touching their private organs, parents should not blame them or make threats. Parents should seek to understand the nature of children, such as their innocent curiosity in every subject including sex and their inclination to play with their private parts.
"Some parents would say it's dirty and they would get an incurable disease from touching it or that it will fall off. Some threaten their kids that police will arrest them or use other unrealistic threats that confuse them. Some even spank their kids. This makes the children feel bad about their body. They should instead take the opportunity to teach them about cleanliness, which is a habit that should be introduced as early as possible."
He added that parents have a major influence on their child's decisions and perception of sexuality. Children today, however, are also more exposed and influenced on perceptions of sexuality through media and the internet than ever before and at a much younger age too.
"How you approach the subject can affect how your children perceive sex. For example, if you are watching TV together and a love scene comes up, you should not panic and turn off the TV. What you should do is notice how your children react to that scene and tell them that sex can be beautiful at the right time and with the right person," he recommended. Dr Pansak also warned that trying to make something off limits only makes it more interesting for children.
The International Parenting Network session also covered the various forms of sexual discrimination that children are exposed to. Naturally, children under five do not have gender-based preferences and their interest in certain toys do not necessarily reflect their future sexuality.
"Let children play with what they want. Boys can play with a cooking set. Girls can play with action heroes. Putting a boy in a floral shirt won't make him change his gender. These things can only suppress the child's true interest, because they need approval from their parents. If you tell a boy who likes to cook that cooking is only for girls, he might miss out on his real interest."
One of the trickiest situations for parents of teenage boys to deal with is to discover that they have been looking at sexually provocative magazines or websites. The best way to deal with it, according to Dr Pansak, is to respect their privacy. It is impossible to prevent teenage boys from having sexual interests, but it is possible to divert their attention.
"Teenagers want to be acknowledged. You can take them to do things that they like or make other offers that you know they won't say no to. Set some time aside to be with them and talk about things that they are interested in. That way, they spend less time thinking about sex and they also get closer to the parents."
For parents whose child may show tendencies towards homosexuality, he said the most important thing is to avoid expressing the attitude that alternative genders are bad, because that not only affects their self-esteem but also their perception towards other members of society.
"The thing with homosexuality is that our media always ridicules members from that community and treats them as a joke. This is inappropriate and unfair. Anything that promotes discrimination is never good.
Also remember that you cannot change a person's sexual orientation, not even your child's. It's a personal decision to make. Whatever gender your children choose to be, let them know that your love for them won't change. Everyone needs love from their parents, no matter which gender they are."
Teenagers who start romantic relationships also need guidance from their parents. Most parents don't like the idea of their teenage children having a boyfriend or girlfriend, fearing it will affect their grades, but Dr Pansak said it's only natural for teenagers to want to have someone special.
"Don't tell your daughter that all men are jerks, or tell your son that women are evil. Try to approach the subject impersonally, such as by talking about news or recent statistics. Teenagers are naturally defensive, but they are less so when the subject is not directly about them," said Dr Pansak, adding that social media can be a great tool for parents. Forwarding an infographic about teen pregnancy rates, for example, is less accusatory than telling teenagers that they might get pregnant.
The most important thing to remember when it does come time for discussions with children or teenagers is to wait for that right moment, or to create one. Sitting them down and telling them about it will only make them resist or feel awkward.
"When there is news about rape, sex scandals, or relevant statistics, casually ask them what they think, and give them your opinion. It is important to listen to what they have to say. Just because they are younger doesn't mean their opinions aren't valid. If you don't listen, they won't tell you much in the future," he advised.
