Sure, the multibillion-baht shopping malls blasting air-con at -2°C may keep the citizens of Bangkok occupied for a while. But like every fad that passes through the city, we all know that it’s not long before the queues disperse and we’re back at our usual som tam spot, ready for more uncontrollable sweating and potential food poisoning. Street stalls and vendors are inarguably the heart and soul of Bangkok -- frankly, we can’t imagine living here without them. This is Guru’s guide to the different types of vendors every Bangkokian needs to survive in the city.
The shoe repair wiz
Ruined your heels from too much walking around shopping malls? Bought a cheap pair of leather shoes and the sole has completely come off? Leave repairs to this guy. Best part is, he can put any types of footwear back together, be it a pair of Louboutins you bought in Paris or the flip-flops that fell apart when you waded through the waters of flooded Sukhumvit.
The soi seamstress
In a city where oily food is a vital part of our diets, it’s no surprise that, sooner or later, your pair of trousers will no longer be able to stand the rate of your thighs’ expansion. Sure, you could take them to the tailors in Nana, but why bother? Right down your street, after all, is that sweet middle-aged woman who will happily patch them up within hours. Be a loyal customer, and she might just change the zippers for free.
The noodle auntie
When Bangkokians order noodles, they ain’t ordering just any noodles.
We all have our own preferences of what we like -- bamee, flat noodles, hold the chilli, no soup, no greens, everything but the noodles. The list goes on, with variations so endless that noodle stalls are perhaps the only type of eatery where you’re made to write down your order on a piece of paper. That’s why it’s worth it to become a favourite customer, someone who can roll up and say, “I’ll have the usual.”
The coffee vendor who doesn’t know what “less sweet” means
It’s not like they do it to purposely annoy you, continuing to add spoonfuls of sugar and an overgenerous pour of condensed milk, even though you’ve made it perfectly clear that you prefer your coffee less sweet. Not ones to play favourites, these vendors tend to spread their sugary love evenly among their customers. Just don’t take it personally. And admit it -- you do enjoy the extra dose of glucose every now and then, otherwise you would have stopped by Au Bon Pain or Starbucks.
The lucky number lady
You rest your fate upon her choice of numbers and yet simultaneously wonder, if she knows the winning results, why is she still pedalling around on that old bicycle? Befriending her will gain you a confidant, someone with whom you can shamelessly share last night’s dream and discuss whether the two geckos you saw was a reliable enough sign that you will become a millionaire.
The five-a-day dude
As much as we love to think the coriander in our fried rice can suffice as one of our five fruits and vegetables a day, it really doesn’t. But if there’s one healthy thing Bangkokians can’t get enough of, it’s fruit. Thirst-quenching and refreshing on a hot day, fruit provides a perfect dessert to any meal. A certain joy it is to watch these guys chop up a pineapple like a pro, rather than buying one, sad-looking and pre-packaged, from a supermarket. Efforts to make nice won’t go to waste, either, as they’ll be more than happy to pick the sweetest-tasting coconuts or the ripest papaya just for you.
The ballin’ buddy
These ball-shaped goodies are one of our most-loved snacks (among 50 others), but there’s nothing quite like the joy of munching on deep-fried fish balls drenched in spicy sauce. And talk about variety -- these guys also dish out meatballs, pork balls, fried tofu, crispy wontons and bacon-wrapped sausages, all conveniently skewered for on-the-go munching. Although the general rule of thumb is four pieces per stick, get in their good graces and they might just squeeze on an extra.
The one with their own jingle
You despise the annoying jingle, but can’t stop yourself from sprinting out the door. The thought of being last in line and finding out your all-time favourite ice lolly is sold out -- or worse, discontinued -- would simply be too much to bear. If you’re an absolute ice cream addict, make sure to ask the vendor to stash your pick at the bottom of the pile. That way, it will still be there when he finally makes it around to you.
The dodgy drinking vans
Are they legal? Judging by the fact that half the van is parked on top of a footpath and the other takes up a quarter of the soi, probably not. It’s the perfect choice for when you don’t want to splurge on drinks at the bar, but are too civilised to buy beers from 7-Eleven and drink them kerbside. Make it your local go-to, and the bartender may just make you his special take on a bucket -- or slip you a little more liquor than recommended.
The papaya pok pok pair
They come as a pair. Usually it’s a lady with biceps that would make a bodybuilder feel somewhat self-conscious and her partner, who’s constantly getting yelled at for serving dishes to the wrong table. The benefit of being a loyal customer to a som tam vendor is that they usually can remember how sensitive you are to spiciness and refrain from grinding a bunch of chillies into the mortar, then watching you sweat your pores clean.
