If you're one of the expected half a million foreign tourists arriving in Thailand this week, then here is a column especially for you.
Welcome to the Land of Smiles and Happy Songkran! We're so glad you're here for the traditional Thai New Year. Yes, we know our neighbouring countries do it too -- in fact the entire region is doing it -- but we do it the best. That's because we're Thailand, synonymous with sanook or having fun.
Songkran is the unique colourful festival where you splash water on strangers using water pistols, hoses or plastic bowls. You've seen the pictures -- why else would you be here? Getting wet is great fun, or sanook, because it's the hottest time of the year, smack bang in the middle of the Thai summer where temperatures can soar to 40 degrees. What better way to cool off than to slap on some skimpy clothing and get wet?
You can do this from the side of the road, or from the back of pickup trucks that roam the streets for three days. Normally you can hop on the back of one and ride around with your new-found Thai friends, with a water gun in one hand and a Leo beer in the other. You get colourful chalk smeared over your face too. In Bangkok the best places to go are Silom and Khao San roads, where it's so packed you can hardly move. There's loud music, lots of dancing, and lots of laughs. What a party! What an experience!
Well … sort of.
OK before you get too settled, you need to know a few things. We probably should have told you all of this before you left, but here goes.
Things are different this year. First of all, no splashing of water. We're in the middle of a terrible drought and our dams are empty. Life is no fun if there's no water to drink.
Did I mention drink just then? That's forbidden, too. Alcohol, that is.
Don't even think of holding a Leo or Singha bottle in public; you'll be arrested. Good luck to you finding any alcohol during the day anyway, since the government has announced an official policy of no alcohol this Songkran. But hey, it's not all bad … we've got some great local soft drinks, like Green Spot and Est to maintain your dangerously high blood sugar levels!
The no-alcohol ban extends to Silom and Khao San roads during the day. There's no water tunnel at Silom this year either. The military and police will be patrolling Khao San Road enforcing this.
So there's neither alcohol nor water splashing. Sorry about that water gun you just purchased; it's forbidden. No using plastic water bowls to scoop up water, either … and for god's sake, if somebody hands you a red plastic bowl, run a mile. That can land you in prison for five years!
"Ah well," I can hear you saying. "At least there's the powder."
Sorry guys, but that's forbidden as well.
No coloured powder or chalk to be dabbed on the faces of passers-by. You can blame the local boys for that, ever since they realised this age-old tradition of putting chalk on cheeks, originating from monks in the temples, was a great excuse to feel up local girls, and it's had a trickle-down effect.
You know all those shots of people in the back of pickups, roaming the streets, splashing water on others? That's strictly forbidden too. Bangkok police have already determined the 35 major roadways where this is prone to happen. They'll be roaming them and will arrest you on the spot if you're found to be engaging in this illegal activity. It is easy to spot a Thai policeman; they're the guys in the clingy, figure-hugging brown outfits.
Which reminds me. No clingy, figure-hugging brown outfits. Not just brown; any colour!
It is forbidden to wear anything that reveals more than 35% of your body. The dress code at the Grand Palace has been applied to the entire country for the duration of Songkran, which means, ladies, please cover your neck, shoulders, chest, stomach, arms, knees and ankles. Gloves and parasols and bodices are optional but not frowned upon. Men, it's still OK to go semi-naked because male nudity does not arouse the ageing junta as much as females do, at least officially.
It's not just your mode of dress, dear reader … or rather, dear female reader. Even if you do cover up in the style of the Bronte sisters, you are not permitted to dance in a sexy manner in public. We've had all sorts of trouble with this in the past, with scantily-clad local girls gyrating to techno music.
A few years ago a couple of girls even removed their tops while dancing; their tenure at the Bangkok Hilton is set to expire when Halley's Comet next comes round. Then there was the year a transgendered woman took off her top and revealed her recently-sculpted breasts, and was promptly arrested by the men in clingy brown, after which she argued she was not being lewd since she was really a man -- and was let off. Those real girls behind bars must be spitting chips.
Anyway let's not get bogged down in gender realignment. Last week the government and the city of Bangkok made it clear. Women, both Thai and foreign, are expected to act demure and reserved during Songkran. No dressing down, or you will receive an official dressing down. And if you're going to dress up, the authorities want you in traditional Thai style.
They are NOT referring to traditional traditional style, since that would require Thai ladies stripping down to the waist as was the norm here among the lower classes 100 years ago. They mean modern traditional Thai style, or traditional traditional middle-to-upper class style. I'm sure you understand what they mean. I certainly don't.
So let's summarise; no water, no guns, no splashing, no alcohol, no powder, no chalk, no beachwear for ladies, and no gyrating of the hips.
I know what you're thinking. Now they tell us? Couldn't there have been a little more advance warning? Well you did choose to come to a drought-stricken, military-junta-controlled, constitution-less state of your own accord, didn't you?
I don't want to say too much, because I live here and am a great advocate of Thailand, but there are two alternatives. You can go traditional, or you can go left or right.
By traditional, you can pour water in the traditional Thai way. We are aware you have no idea what that means. Do not attempt to ask the local youth for a definition; "traditional" to them is the wild, chaotic, water splashing of the last 30 years. Perhaps you could ask one of Thailand's older generation -- if indeed you can find anybody in that generation who speaks English.
You see, we do have a delicate way of celebrating Songkran. It involves paying respect to elders, and praying for their good fortune. Water is softly trickled over hands, and jasmine garlands are exchanged. It's touching and beautiful, though probably doesn't warrant travelling halfway around the world.
The other alternative is going left or right.
You could give a furtive glance sideways to any neighbouring country. Myanmar is celebrating Thingyan, which involves lots of hearty water splashing. Cambodia is celebrating Chol Chnam Thmey, while northern neighbour Laos is having great fun with water in Bun Pi Mai.
Or you could just stay home. Like you will next year. n
