Italian super luxury car maker Rambikini proudly announces the launch of an exclusive limited edition of three models especially for Thai politicians, first-born sons of obscenely wealthy businessmen and luxury-loving monks. This last group has emerged as the company's untapped demographic (we bang our foreheads for not having thought of them sooner) whose sacred aura and talismanic power will surely lend our supercars with an unprecedented mixture of spirituality and materialism.
The limited edition, code-named The Plunderer, will come in the three colours of the Thai national flag. Sorry, four, including saffron-yellow (giallo zafferano) which our team of designers promise to match seamlessly with the billowing robes, alms bowls and Louis Vuitton bags. You can't dream of a better prop for an Instagram photo than this.
Only nine of the limited Thai edition will be available. Bookings can be made now - online only - to avoid any unnecessary paperwork, import duty complication, traceable transactions, DSI snoops and opposition party nitpickers.
Fast like our cars, or like post-modern zombies, two potential buyers have already contacted our sales department yesterday to inquire about the The Plunderer's details.
The first is a respected clergyman who was photographed recently in the full regalia of a St Tropez jet-setter, prompting our engineers to custom-engrave the words "HOLY MOTOR" on the licence plate as well as the phrase "MIND OVER MOTOR" across the rear bonnet. These are the reminders that petty material thingies can never destabilise anyone's spiritual cornerstone.
As a responsible car maker, we're fully aware that luxury-loving monks are a minority in the vast glory of Buddhism, a tiny drop in the blessed ocean, but as a public company we're duty-bound to serve our customers, regardless of their faith or interpretation of Lord Buddha's teachings on austerity.
Another inquiry has come from a high-ranking politician known for his love for drinks, sons, parliamentary bombast and expensive automobiles. His secretary has emailed us through our secure server - so secure that even the NSA's Prism and that guy Edward Snowden couldn't sniff it out - about the choice of colour.
The eminent, pot-bellied politician already has a ruby-hued Rolls-Royce Ghost in his house. Please note, the car is just in his house, not in his collection, since it actually belongs to a friend of his son or a partner in his son's company or someone or something like that who has parked the Rolls there while he's away. Having a phantom owner is a regular practice for most of our customers, so don't be alarmed. Anyway, his secretary has emailed us about available colours, and we have suggested the innocent white (bianco innocente) to symbolise the owner's immaculate track record and humble personality.
His secretary also inquired with us via secure email about the price of The Plunderer. This is a sensitive subject, so we're pleased to announce our presales service that offers to quote the price of the limited edition as anything - repeat, anything - you wish it to be! This is to guarantee our customers 100% satisfaction in case you have to answer questions from the nosy press, customs detectives or useless senators who recently dared to suggest that the ruby Rolls was worth much more than it was claimed to be.
In one report, the aforementioned politician (who of course doesn't own the car but knows exactly how much it costs) said the car is worth 9 million baht including tax, and we at Rambikini headquarters gave a standing ovation to that courageous declaration unheard of since Henry Ford came up with T-Model. A 9-million-baht Rolls-Royce is like paying 500 baht to rent a Lake Como villa for a year. It's a coup, sir, and we praise your bargaining prowess.
Besides titanium exhaust, North Korean missile-proof body, eight-litre V16 engine, 550 horsepower compact, torque 360lb-ft at 6,000rpm, 14-speed automatic transmission, 16,000-BTU air-conditioning, 50GB Wi-Fi connection, our Plunderer also comes with a foldable dashboard for displaying amulets.
We're also proud to serve hit-and-runners by offering an option of a full-body camouflage and built-in tear gas canisters to confuse witnesses in case you run over someone (though in Bangkok, it's likely that the prosecutor will keep postponing the indictment of reckless drivers whose cars are worth over 20 million baht, as it did this week).
Last, but never least, The Plunderer is not foolproof, but it is fireproof, even when being transported long-distance to an obscure registration office. We also have reassembly services on site for rich people who value discretion above all things, even the law. You drive, therefore you are. Do not hesitate, email us now. Our server is secure.
Kong Rithdee is Deputy Life Editor, Bangkok Post.