It's National Mother's Day, and what better time to reflect on mothers? Mothering seems to have changed from generation to generation, no matter what Dr Spock says.
I grew up during the "Children should be seen and not heard" era. Although we weren't entirely Victorian in our household, there was still a certain distance and respect that all the kids had for our parents. If we were scolded and punished _ and there was certainly quite a lot of that _ we had to grit our teeth and bear it stoically. And there was certainly no talking back to our parents.
My mother was the disciplinarian around the house, while my father was the more gregarious. My early memories of my mother were always of her doing things around the house: cooking, sewing our clothes, washing the fish tanks, overseeing construction and house repair projects (and sometimes even doing some small repair work herself).
She was _ and still is, even today at the age of 96 _ meticulous in the way she kept order in the household, and the way she organised her closet and all her belongings. Her clothes were always folded evenly, all the corners matching, all hair pins in a row, facing the same way. She knew exactly where everything was.
She taught me from an early age to keep an account of my pocket money, and when I began a family she gave me a formula of how much to save, how much to spend on household expenses, on children, etc.
She was a constant in my life, a quiet yet omniscient presence who was always supportive. I still sense that today, and although her memory sometimes falters and she hardly ever leaves her room, she sees everything from her bedroom window, and shows concern for all of us. Whether we are 10 or 60, we are still her babies.
But being a mother myself hasn't been an easy ride. As I've said before, nothing comes naturally. Your baby cries, and you don't have a clue what's bothering him. Even after consulting my well-thumbed Baby And Child Care by Dr Benjamin Spock, I had no idea how to calm my colic baby boy. I had no idea how to make him eat when he was more interested in playing. And if you think a baby's umbilical stump falls off automatically after a week, you've got another thing coming.
When I had my second baby, I threw Dr Spock out the window and just forged ahead on a wing and a prayer. No two kids are the same, and by the time you got your finger on their pulses, they grew up and changed.
My two kids are two poles apart in terms of personality. So how are you expected to read one book that covers the entire spectrum? I have to handle them differently, and each phase of their lives brings new problems to deal with. How do you tread the delicate balance of reining them in with rules and discipline, yet allowing them the freedom to make mistakes and learn?
I have trouble enough with two kids; how did my mother cope with six of us? Admittedly she was a stay-at-home mother who didn't have to spend four hours a day behind the steering wheel stuck in traffic, and handle a kid who spends most her time with her nose glued to her iPhone's social apps.
My mother made me dresses on her sewing machine because there were no ready-to-wear clothes available, but today my kids want to go shopping at all the high street fashion brands, and argue that they are not expensive at all compared to what their friends wear.
When I was young I had one pair of good shoes that I wore everywhere until they fell apart. Today my kids need a pair of shoes for going shopping, another pair for evenings out with friends, one for exercising, one for parties, one for pairing with jeans, another for short skirts, and a few more to match different coloured outfits. And have you noticed the hair demands _ cutting, colouring, treatments? And I'm not just talking about girls here.
Where do you stop?
Is there a suitable age to start dating? What about bringing their dates home? Is there a rule for any of that? Sometimes it ends up being a two-way discussion to come up with a compromise.
I've been accused of spoiling my kids, and maybe I have. It's so hard to find the perfect equilibrium. I'm afraid my mother's experience and wisdom hasn't rubbed off on me.
But in the end, I think I have two fine kids. A few grey hairs, but two fine kids.
Happy Mother's Day!
Usnisa Sukhsvasti is the features editor of the Bangkok Post.