Aside from possessing a heart and having a tendency to go "awwwww" at cute babies, what do most humans these days have in common? Answer: a phone. Everyone from kindergarteners to grandmothers, from billion-baht businessmen to your local som tum vendor seem to sport a cellular device, and experience the social intricacies that go with it.
Just in case you are unaware of how to use your phone to its full potential in Thailand's wonderful capital, Guru is here to guide your way to the light of your phone screen with some essential user tips.
AT THE PARK
- Take pictures of monitor lizards - they are always ready to pose. Make sure to use a flash to create the desired effect of white, bright skin.
- If the Bangkok sun gets too strong and you don't want the years of whitening products you've used to go to waste, try using your phone as a hat. Note: also works with tablets and laptops.
- If you have time to kill, slowly stroll along a running track, stopping to photograph everything. You're not in any runner's way.
- If you find yourself paddle-boating, show pictures of food to the fish. It's almost like feeding them. Note: Don't show photos of any seafood, as that is virtual fish cannibalism.
ON THE ROAD
- Use Twitter to get the latest traffic news - it is much faster and more accurate than the radio and your view of the actual traffic in front of you.
- If you are new to travelling on boats, don't forget to extend your arm all the way for those inevitable selfies. Extra points if you drop your phone and have it rescued by a khlong merman.
- Upload photos of the traffic, in case other Bangkokians have somehow forgotten that Bangkok traffic is always, always bad.
- If your crush is driving you, mimic the steering wheel with your phone to impersonate them. That way, they can turn all their attention to you instead of the road.
- When you manage to get a seat on public transport, never look up from your phone. This way, if someone elderly, handicapped, or pregnant comes, you don't have to look them in the eye as you refuse them your seat.
AT THE TEMPLE
- Crowd around monks with your phone to take photos of them. Not only can the photos be used to prove how "good" you are (and how "good" they are), the monks need to see your face so they can pray for you later.
- Text your friends the prayers, word for word. That way, it's like they are there, making merit with you.
- After you've managed to feel less sinful, don't forget to call your friends on your way out to make plans for Saturday night drinking. Remember to shout, as it's not like you're in a holy establishment.
IN A SHOPPING CENTRE
- When you do karaoke, don't forget to Instagram it to declare your "Truly Thai" status (yes, world, I do karaoke sober). Extra points if you can video and share your terrible rendition of an overplayed song to show the world how much fun you're having.
- When meeting old friends, constantly go on Facebook. You did see them three years ago; plus Facebook is the only reason you kept in touch.
- It is not in our culture to walk on escalators, so use this time to check yourself with your front camera. You definitely won't trip or slow people down, and even if you do, at least your hair is in shape and make-up is smudge-free.
- If you are eating a meal, take photos of everything - every dish, bite and angle. It's the Thai version of saying grace.
- Leave your phone's sound on and screen bright in movie theatres. Surely cinemas should be happy you are comfortable with treating their establishments like your own bedroom.
- If you're on a date with someone, say "You are far more interesting than my phone, and I'd rather talk to you than check Facebook" to make them feel really special. Then take a selfie.
- Don't forget to check-in on Foursquare. You want the entire world to know exactly where you are at all times, though you're not sure why.
IN AWKWARD SOCIAL SITUATIONS
- If you spot someone you know but don't like, whip out your phone to avoid eye contact. If you're lucky, maybe you'll whip it out far and fast enough to "accidentically" hit them in the face and run away as they screech in pain.
- If you inevitably have to speak to said disliked person, cut the conversation short by adding them to your Line contacts to "speak to them later", because they definitely won't annoy you there.
- When at a loss for things to say, compliment them on how that selfie they posted was very attractive despite the "so fat" or "no make-up, so shabby!" captions.
- Always go on your phone when you're alone to show the world you still have friends, even if in reality you're just playing Candy Crush.
- In worst cases, simply pretend you're on a call. Extra points if you manage to sound intelligent in your fake conversation, using phrases like "global climate change", "situation in Syria" and "our current economy".
PHONE-FILLED PAUSES
Of course, the most common time to bring out your phone is when you are bored or waiting for someone. To help you break away from the mainstream (or if your battery is running low), we have come up with a list of other possible non-phone activities.
1. Pick up a book and actually read it.
2. Meditate.
3. Attempt to accurately predict any weather changes in the next two hours.
4. Plan your "controversial" audition for Thailand's Got Talent.
5. Design a new community mall, because we don't have enough.
6. Come up with ways to prevent annual flooding.
7. Give a Guy Fawkes mask a makeover.
8. Read Guru, duh!
DIFFERENT WAYS TO GAIN ATTENTION USING PHONES AND/OR SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE WE ALL WANT TO FOR SOME REASON
- Tweet that you are depressed. When someone asks what's wrong, reply with "nothing". If they persist, give a poetic but vague response.
- Send lots of game requests on Facebook.
- Steal inspirational quotes online as photo captions.
- Spontaneously change the status of every social media account you have to the same thing to let people know what you're saying is very important.
- Use the shiny screen surface to reflect sunlight into other people's eyes.
- Drop your phone until its cover or screen shatters. Count the little cracks and claim that the total is the number of the future winning lotto ticket.
- If all else fails, either start throwing your phone at people or express your political preference on social media. The response will be overwhelming.
PHOTO SPOTS
The growing smartphone culture has led to the epidemic of photo-taking. Since Thailand is one of the most Instagram-happy countries in the world, we have scoured the city and gathered places in Bangkok that are photo-popular, in case you want to giggle at funny poses or just know where to avoid when you are in a rush.
1. The Asoke cat at BTS Asoke
The internet has proved it - everyone loves cats. So when an exceedingly adorable cat that inhabits Asok BTS station began humbly offering itself for petting and photography, he instantly became a celebrity. Asoke Cat now has a Facebook page (facebook.com/Asokecat) with over 26,000 loyal fans who take photos of him all day.
2. Toilets in Terminal 21
When Terminal 21 opened back in 2011, its toilets acquired queues almost as long as Krispy Kreme's when the donut craze was peaking. The unique concept and dashing interior seemingly makes it irresistible for Bangkokians to go about their business without taking lots and lots of photos first.
3. Magnum the Chocolatier at Siam Center
If you've ever strolled about Siam Center, you will have noticed an elaborate set of elegant chairs and fake food next to the reincarnation of Magnum Cafe. Don't be alarmed, it's just the cafe's way of getting people to hang about, take photos, look at menus and slow other passersby.
4. The ever-changing Madame Tussauds statues (oh, the irony!)
At various locations around Siam, Madame Tussauds statues take turns to pose alongside eager locals and tourists. Whether Johnny Depp, Britney Spears, or Leonardo DiCaprio is on shift, you are sure to also spot a line of people with their phones out, ready for the Hollywood flash.G
